I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
