I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
His nipple licking is glorious
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