Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
