Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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