dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
