Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
