there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
this just has baby written all over it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
