i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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