when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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