So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I checked into jail on foursquare
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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