She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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