My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
