i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
