he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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