its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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