nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Randomize
