we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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