Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
