i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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