Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
