this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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