I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Enjoy the penises
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
