My room smells like vodka and shame
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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