Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
