Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
