Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
