so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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