I got chris browned last night
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
