i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
