Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I believe in your delicious
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
