I just pynch a tree in the face
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
