ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
