It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
