Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Randomize