dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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