God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
