I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
me + whiskey = a bad person
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
