I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
