This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
