after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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