you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
