Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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