I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
