Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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