I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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