I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
