I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
