Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
