It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
