So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
