all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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