I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
