life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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