It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
