Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
