it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
