I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
