Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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