My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
