Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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