does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So squirting runs in the family.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
