Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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