I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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