I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
50% drunk capacity currently
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
