My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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