So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
