using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
