"it" just moved
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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