I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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